i'm back. i'm seventeen.
i'm more dissppointed in myself than i've ever been.

first off, i gained back all of my weight and i realized that its because i started getting friends and guys... [if that makes sense.]

i stopped with my diet regimen and i started eating whenever i went out.
i need to get back on track. I NEED TO LOSE ALL OF THIS WEIGHT.

it's december first, so its just in time for the holidays and the new year.
it's probably an even worse time because i'll be surrounded by food...
but i don't care.

as long as i figure everything out...
i'll be good.

so here are my all too dismal stats:

name: nicole.
age: seventeen.

HW 176.8
CW 171.7
GW[1] 165.0
GW[2] 160.0

overall goal is anywhere between one twenty and one forty...
because then at least i can hold onto my curves.

i don't mind the curves,
i mind the disgusting mess
of fat that covers my stomach
and thighs.

...until tonight. Yeah. I tried it. But apparently drinking a slim-fast and having three whole-wheat Ritz crackers doesn't inspire my gag reflex. So I sat on the floor in front of my toilet, just gagging on air. I thought that would work, since the thought of shoving my finger down my throat freaked me out.

Then I decided, well, I need to get rid of it: now! So I tried. I shoved my finger into my throat but all I got was saliva. It was a lot, but no slim-fast. I felt it in the back of my throat but it never came up.

Bulimia is not for me. =\ It made me so angry that I have to just ... not eat all the time that I cut myself. Just the usual little incision on my whale-sized, never-exposed thigh... and then because I knew I could, a short cut on my forearm.

Yeah. I think too much. But who cares. It makes me feel better.

Well, I'll talk to you tomorrow. =]

bye bye lovees.

I've started eating again and I've been stuck at a weight. I have no control over anything anymore, cliche as that may sound.

But I'm stuck at 150 and i'm killing myself to get to 140. I mean, Jesus. I've eaten so much in the last week I actually gained a pound.

I feel disgusting and my sister keeps shoving her perfect body in my face.

I hate her so much. I can't even stand it anymore.

Anyway... I'm starting anew with new measurements.

[name] nicole
[age] 15
[w] 150
[lw] 145
[gw] 125

loss per week: 2-3 lbs.

plan: slim-fast breakfast and light to no dinner.

I've lost that much. =] I'm just so happy. Everything's working out and now I can look gorgeous & still be me .. just less disgusting.

I feel that every day. I'm a disgusting fat mess!!

Anyway. It's three a.m. and I'm so fucking tired.

=]] twenty one!! twenty nine more to go <33


PERFECTION IS A FEW
slim-fasts away. =]

Oh, by the way. I do eat. I eat breakfast and dinner. When I meant ignore the food, I meant like snacks after dinner and stuff like that.

=] FYI.

I don't know. Haha. Yeah I've been happy recently. Not happy enough to stop picking on every little thing that's wrong with me, but happy enough to remove things from the list.

I've been busying my time with video games, writing, TV, and sleep to keep myself away from food. All of the above are done in my bedroom, so its easy to ignore the kitchen.

Anyway, I've got to be getting ready for school.

=] nicole

I've lost twenty pounds since my heaviest weight.

that's KILLER! you have no idea.

I've gone without lunch ... like, ten glasses of water a day,

breakfast & dinner .. sometimes I don't eat breakfast, either.

but snacks are a no-no & no soda or anything.


it's pretty much how my life has been.

clothes have been getting larger.

my diet has been getting stricter.


i'm gonna make it happen.

i'm gonna make it to 115.




=]] thank God!!

no not the band.

that's my *pseudoname for him on this website.

He's beautiful.

[ i can't say what he looks like .. because there aren't too many at my school w. his hair ]

But he's funny. Like, asshole funny. But I'd rather have
asshole funny than some depressed kid.

Oh, speaking of depressed. I think he's a liar. I think
he does stuff because he's so bent on impressing his friends.

I can't explain too much.

But yeah. <3 he's perfect.
Oh, and nice to me.
With the four words he's said.

Lol. JK. Probably 15 words.

Well... it's time to get offline.
The internet is my new disease.

[[ myspace.com/tracing_over_you ]]

=]]

I like him

He's so sweet <3

She's his type



I'm unworthy

He's so perfect

She's beautiful



I'm a loner

He's a punk

She's so scene



I'm a mess

He's so clean

She's so thin



I'm the shy girl

He's the shy boy

She's my best friend



I'm the prude

He's the womanizer

She's a whore



I'm wasting my time

He's so wonderful

She's the one he wants

Don't tell me that I'm perfect

there's a scale that says you're wrong

Don't tell me that I'm worth it

''and i've known it all along''



I'll tell you you're a liar

and I'll know that this is true

You're just my pacifier

that I can see right through



I know what you are thinking

and I can see that you're insane

You tell me to stop thinking

your positivity is feigned



No one knows who I really am

alone and cold and tired

I can't tell you how I really feel

or thoughts that have transpired



But believe me when I look like you

I'll finally be able to smile

Believe me when I feel like you

I'll start being worthwhile

hm. I don't know why but I'm in a really writer-girl mood right now.
But I don't want to write. Makes no sense? Tell me about it.

I'm just going to transfer my myspace blogs to this one in seperate
blog entries.

xo nicole

If you don't believe me

don't test me

I test well


Just watch me defy you

I won't deny you

the glory of watching me fall away

fall to pieces.


[x]

I can't stand your clothes

I can't stand to hear your voice

I can't look away

Told me how you felt

Why did you have to be cruel

Could've just said ''no''

I feel so ashamed

I just tried to open up

But you shut me out

Now I write this down

Words are here without a sound

... Like you give a shit.

I'm fifteen years old & I have to lose weight.

It's just getting to the point where I can't stand watching
TV and thinking .. I wish I could look like the stars.

I weigh 167lbs. and I want to get to 125. If I do 48-hr
fasts, eating for the two days between, I could lose it
all by May, I think.

I don't know. I don't really want to do the math.

Well, that's what I had to say.

=]

my blog is going to mostly be poems, maybe stories, songs .. maaybe some movie reviews. It depends on my mood. Other times I'll write about what I've been
eating and such.

[nikki]